


a small secret

by enchy



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Self-Indulgent, Unrequited Love, based on an urban zakapa song, coughing up blood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-15
Updated: 2020-05-15
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:47:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24195370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enchy/pseuds/enchy
Summary: He opens his eyes again and sees it. Floating among blood-stained water, three daffodil petals. Hanahaki disease.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Comments: 3
Kudos: 82





	a small secret

**Author's Note:**

> i guess my brain loves unrequited bokuaka i hate it

Everyone believes that Bokuto Koutaro cannot keep a secret. Former teammates have described him as an open book, and his parents and boyfriend have always doted on his quirk of fidgeting with his fingertips and darting his eyes around whenever he lies. But contrary to popular belief, Bokuto Koutarou _can_ keep a secret. His straightforward personality and child-like demeanor has kept people from thinking otherwise, but with enough effort, he can make sure that no one knows. But more importantly, Bokuto Koutarou has never faced a moment where a secret was needed to be kept.

  
So when he’s stooped over the marble counter of his and Akaashi’s shared bathroom, staring at the promise ring on his right hand as well as the tiny specks of blood he coughed out a bit beforehand, Bokuto is determined to keep a secret. He gingerly washes the blood off and even gargles before stepping out and calling to his boyfriend like nothing ever happened. No fidgeting, no shifty eyes, no hands behind his back; Bokuto knows all of his quirks when lying, and he’s determined to stop them. In his mind, he believes that with enough water and a good night’s sleep, the blood will disappear like a bad dream.

  
But it doesn’t. Bokuto constantly feels something stuck in his throat whenever he coughs, and learns that even cough drops don’t help with the pain. He constantly runs to the bathroom to wash his hands and rinse his mouth during practice, earning a look of approval from Sakusa every so often. He constantly makes excuses to Akaashi, talking about how he might have a cold, or that his allergies are acting up. Bokuto is in pain, but keeps a secret so his close friends, teammates, family members, and most importantly, his boyfriend, don’t panic. He hasn’t researched anything yet, but hopes that with enough ginger honey tea, his body will return to normal.

  
Bokuto desperately wants his body to return to normal. It’s been about six months since he started coughing up blood, two months since Akaashi has proposed to him, and all Bokuto wants is to not sneak around his fiance’s back, scared of the possibility that he’d find blood. Bokuto stoops over the counter, a familiar sight at this point, and wills himself to cough out the mysterious lump that he feels whenever he swallows. He closes his eyes, wipes away the tears forming at the corners, and with a large cough, he seems to finally be free of whatever’s been bothering him. He opens his eyes again and sees it. Floating among blood-stained water, three daffodil petals. Hanahaki disease.

  
Bokuto cries that night and screams to the point where he thinks he might cough up blood regardless. He’s glad that Akaashi isn’t home to see this, and texts him that he’s off to visit his parents for a week or two. Bokuto packs his bags and leaves, but wills himself to keep the secret.

  
“Mom what do you do if someone doesn’t love you back?” “Dad, how would you approach an unrequited love?” Bokuto bombards his parents with questions as soon as he arrives back home. They don’t know. They only laugh and ruffle his hair, reassuring Bokuto that Akaashi is head over heels for him. He forces a smile and blames the questions on a dream he had. He wishes it was a dream.

  
At dawn, Bokuto finally gathers up the courage to search up the conditions. Whether it can be cured. How long he has left to live. He learns that there is not set life expectancy, but that he will die soon. He coughs again, setting loose a dozen daffodil petals into his hand. His golden eyes watch as the blood makes its way down to the silver band that Akaashi had carefully slipped on Bokuto’s ring finger. Bokuto feels numb, but wills away the urge to tell Akaashi that he knows. Despite all this, he _loves_ Akaashi, he realizes, and can’t help but let a few tears roll down his face.

  
Two weeks turn into a month, and Bokuto ends up giving up. He knows that his unrequited love will stay one-sided and that he’s in too deep to fall out of love with Akaashi. He decides to make the most of it, and believes that Akaashi, despite having no feelings towards Bokuto, proposed to make him happy by sacrificing his own happiness. Bokuto swears he will keep the secret to himself by kissing his wedding band. Swears that he will be happy for the few months he has left. Swears to keep acting “normal” so he can stop himself from breaking down. Bokuto returns back home to the embrace of his fiancé as a broken man, but pretends to be happy.

He’s asked many people the question of unrequited love after learning that Akaashi doesn’t return his feelings and has received many different answers. The one that almost causes him to break down is Kuroo’s, who had the same answer that Bokuto had ultimately resorted to.

”I can’t convince him to love me but I also can’t convince myself to stop loving him. What a predicament Bo. I think I’d end up dead still loving Kenma.”

Bokuto can’t help but agree, and when Kuroo finally asks him why he looks so down, he scrounges up another excuse to protect his secret.

It’s finally their wedding day and Bokuto is thankful that he’s survived this long. Every day feels like both a gift and torture whenever he sees Akaashi sound asleep, pressed against his chest. He wishes that _he_ was the one that could make Akaashi feel something and also wishes that he didn’t feel like a waste of time. He quickly brushes these thoughts off and focuses on slipping his white gloves on.

When he sees Akaashi approach the altar, Bokuto cries, earning a small chuckle from the crowd. Apparently it was expected that Bokuto would cry, and the guests all whisper a small “I told you so” to each other. Bokuto wishes he could be happy like the guests assumed he was; all he feels like is a deadweight dragging Akaashi down. To distract himself from these thoughts, he urges himself to find his teammates in the crowd. This small game of I Spy is interrupted once Bokuto locates Atsumu and Hinata. The footsteps and music have stopped. He can’t help but finally let his habit get to him, and instinctively fidgets with his hands.

During his vows, Bokuto doesn’t understand what he’s saying. He rambles, holding back a few tears while picking at his fingers. To the average guest, Bokuto looks overwhelmed to be marrying the love of his life, but all Bokuto can think about is urging the flowers to stop inching up his throat.

When Akaashi starts his vows, Bokuto focuses on his lips and green eyes. How his fair skin contrasts with his jet-black hair. When he snaps back to reality, Akaashi is holding his hands, rubbing circles into his palms. He talks about love at first sight, being head over heels for Bokuto, and Bokuto can’t hold it in any longer.

He rips his hands from Akaashi’s to cover his mouth. He can feel the flowers, no longer petals, rise up from his throat, and tries desperately to hold back his coughs. When they ring throughout the venue, guests jump to call an ambulance. Bokuto crumples to the floor, letting go of the daffodils crumpled up in his blood-stained gloves. When he looks up to see Akaashi’s horrified expression, Bokuto can only chuckle. Bokuto Koutaro has successfully kept a secret, and he smiles before taking his last breath.


End file.
